Monday, 23 August 2010

'Sagittarians have a positive outlook on life, are full of enterprise, energy, versatility, adventurousness and eagerness to extend experience beyond the physically familiar. They enjoy travelling and exploration, the more so because their minds are constantly open to new dimensions of thought. They are basically ambitious and optimistic, and continue to be so even when their hopes are dashed. Their strongly idealistic natures can also suffer many disappointments without being affected. They are honorable, honest, trustworthy, truthful, generous and sincere, with a passion for justice. They are usually on the side of the underdog in society they will fight for any cause they believe to be just, and are prepared to be rebellious. They balance loyalty with independence.'


My star sign is 'Sagittarius'. "The body of a bowman and the back end of a horse", I used to tell girls. I thought it sounded a good chat up line at the time, but I didn't quite have the physique to pull it off. The first time I asked a girl out was when I was 16. She worked in M & S in Harrogate and I thought she was lovely. She would always smile at me when I walked past, maybe because I used to walk past 20 times every morning! I approached the counter where she was working, beaming red, I could feel my face on fire and my heart racing. "Do you fancy going to the pictures tonight?" I nearly fell over when she said yes and agreed to meet me outside the cinema at 7p.m. I had pulled it off, my first conquest.

I was there at 6p.m. just to be safe. 7p.m. came and went, and at 9p.m. I went back to my base up at the Army camp. Then I thought, what if I had got the day wrong? She wasn't at work the next day, so I went and stood outside the cinema at 7p.m. for the next two nights, but no luck. In a way it did me a favour because I didn't ask a girl out for a year after that, which probably saved me a fortune! I once asked a girl if she would like a drink, and she said, "yes please, I'll have a brandy and babycham". I couldn't believe it when the barman asked for the money, it was almost a days pay! Still, it would be worth it, at least she had said yes. I carried the drink over to her, she smiled, then said,"thank you, that's so sweet", and walked away! After that, I soon learnt that asking if they wanted to dance would be quicker and cheaper, and I could do it at 'zero cost' all night.

I went to a brothel once when I was stationed in Germany. Well, I just thought it was a posh pub. I was with a friend and we hadn't been out in a German town before. The only German we knew could get us a pint of beer with sausage and chips. As we went in, someone took our coats and showed us to a table. They asked us if we would like a drink and of course we said yes. We were the only two guys in, aged about 17 at the time and looking back, had we spent a little more time at the 'University of Life', we would have spotted that something didn't quite add up. When I went to the toilet, there were fish tanks built into the wall and a guy there with fresh towels and free aftershave. The carpets were so plush that you felt as if you were bouncing across them. They brought free sandwiches too our table and when we asked for another drink, they didn't want any money still. There were about 8 of the most gorgeous girls we had ever seen with hardly any clothes on, all sitting at the bar and smiling at us in turn, pouting their lips and winking. We were just thinking, wow, these German girls must really have the hots for us British Army boys, either that or the German guys didn't wash. One of the girls walked over to us in a very sexy way with a silver dish, which turned out to have the bill on it. Well we weren't really into currency conversion and we just got the notes out of our pockets and paid, thinking, blimey that seems like a lot of money? I later calculated it to be nearly a weeks pay each!

It was at that point that it suddenly all clicked, almost by magic, as we stared at each other. The massive bouncer guy who looked as broad as he was tall and had as many scars as an old bull elephant, walked over to us. "Now you choose", he said in a broken German / English, pointing to the girls, who all seemed to want to be 'the chosen one'. I'm not proud of what happened next and in my next life I may do it completely differently.
We had both won medals for running and I had won several for throwing the discus and many more for shooting. Only the running medals would matter in the next 30 seconds! Without even consulting each other, we jumped from our seats as if the place was on fire, ran through the half open doors, not stopping until we couldn't run anymore. Even though we swore never to tell anyone back at the barracks, we were soon boasting that we had gone to this place and had every girl in turn for a very small price. In reality, the girls must have either thought we had run out because they were all so ugly, or very more likely, they are still laughing now as they tell their grandchildren all about those two young virgin British Soldiers.

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