Saturday, 21 August 2010

It's 3a.m. and I am just starting today's blog. Why? I had such good news yesterday that adrenalin is still swirling around inside me and I just have to get this all out of my head.

Well I had to lie about when I was getting the results. I said it was this coming Tuesday, when really it was yesterday. Had to lie? Yes, because had they been bad, which I honestly thought they might be, I needed a few days to compose myself before telling everyone. During the bone scan, the radiologist asked me if I had ever had any rib injuries, and out of the corner of my eye I could see a 'hot spot' on the screen. Since then my mind started working overtime and I was convinced that this was going to turn out bad. All week I had researched all the various treatments for cancer spread to the bone, to the point where I was almost comfortable with it. The stress was unbearable though and started to show in physical symptoms; all of course which I immediately converted into 'cancer'! They think the rib thing is as a result of an old injury. Now my bad back, gnat bites, stiff neck, bruised knee are all just what they are, and nothing more.

I put up, 'Desiderata' yesterday because I felt incapable of writing a blog. It was without doubt the most stressful day of my life, worse than the day I was diagnosed. I didn't hold it together very well.

My appointment was at 4.35p.m. and Beverley drove me to the hospital, arriving well on time. I walked up and down the long corridor outside the unit, just delaying things really, sure that I was not going to come out of there the same person that went in. Eventually, we went in and sat with two other older couples who seemed to know the nurse as regulars. I say 'older' because at 58, you are considered to be a very young guy as far as the Urology Unit is concerned. My consultant was on holiday so I was to be seen by the young doctor who had performed my biopsy some 10 weeks ago. She was about 8 stone and heavily pregnant, the first time I had seen an unborn baby that could possibly weigh as much as its mother! A lovely person though who gave us all the time that we needed, even laughing about the biopsy because she had told me that at first, there may be traces of blood in my semen. As it turned out, my first ejaculation could have painted the bathroom red!

We sat down and she politely asked me how I was. Looking back I thought it was a trick question. I was too busy scanning the room for a large container, which I thought I would fill the minute she broke the news. She said, almost casually, "Well your bone scan was clear, so that's good isn't it?" I said, "What!" She repeated what she had said. I burst out crying and quickly managed to control it, as I had been trained to from birth, but inside I was in pieces. Overjoyed, overwhelmed, feelings and emotions pouring out of control and smashing into each other. I didn't throw up though!

She then went on to tell me that there was a small tumour on one side of my Prostate and a larger one on the other. If you remember from previous blogs, Cancer is measured in aggressiveness on a scale of 1 to 5, 5 being the most aggressive. Well one of my biopsy samples had showed to be 5, the rest either 3 or 4. But the MRI, CT and Bone Scans have all shown that everything is still contained within the prostate capsule...WOW HOW GOOD IS THAT!

My journey will now take me to the Freeman Hospital in Newcastle to see the surgeon in about 2 weeks, followed by a return there for surgery 2-3 weeks after that. My chances of success had suddenly soared in my mind, but in reality, I was guilty of building a situation in my imagination that was just not there! I think some people would have handled it better but I have always had an over active mind. I listen to every word, look at every facial expression, read every word and then just make up what is going to happen next. I am often right, but thank God I am often wrong and should take a reality check sometimes. **** (That was me giving myself a slap!)

Well on the way home and out at the Indian Restaurant last night you would have thought we had won the lottery, but it felt far better than that. I had an overwhelming desire to thank someone for this gift I had just been handed, but who? Was it the white crystals that I kept in my pocket the last few months? Maybe the prayer that I had offered up to Allah at the Mosque in Cyprus, or the one I had said whilst looking out at the Universe from the moonlit Turtle beach? Was it pure luck or just the way things were meant to be for now? I don't know!

I had so many texts and calls yesterday that my phone seemed to be break dancing all evening. Thank you so much everyone. Holding it together (well almost!) was only possible with that kind of support. If I named anyone I would miss someone, so I am just going to try and get back to sleep, knowing that things are pretty good right now :-)

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